yellow daisies
by Wonderstruck-Ambition
Summary: Maybe all we needed was not someone to love us, but someone who saw us for everything we are, all the scars and lines and things that hurt us, someone who saw right into our souls, the whole entire messed up map of us, and loved us anyway.


yellow daisies

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Austin and Ally. I'll never own Austin and Ally.

**Notes: **I got this idea from a story I read elsewhere, a very long time ago. Just a part of it, but...well. Never mind**.**

**Most AU thing I have ever written in my entire life. Besides Reckless. So maybe not.**

**xx**

Ally knew pain. She knew what it meant, the basic definition that most people could understand. She understood how in depth the pain could feel, and how it wasn't just one word attached to one simple emotion. She knew loss, and physical hurt. She knew heartbreak and sadness. She knew the feeling of broken, confusion. She knew pain.

She knows what it's like, to be fucked up and confused and basically just _broken. _Maybe even beyond repair. So it's only natural that she can understand, be drawn to, someone else who's fucked up and confused and just basically _broken _as well.

She doesn't make it a habit to hang out in the cemetery; she feels like Charlie St. Cloud, and she didn't particularly enjoy the book _or _movie. Then again, she also didn't make it a habit to bite her nails or play with her hair, but it still happens.

This is the first time she's seen _him _here, though. She thinks she'd have remembered the shock of bright blonde hair, a little bit of lightness against all the dark.

They stand together but not _together, _loud enough for her to hear him breathe out in the cold air but not close enough to see the bit of breath show up against the winter atmosphere.

"Hi," She whispers experimentally, testing the waters to see if this is okay, if this is alright.

"Hi," He whispers back, and she figures that it must be fine.

"Those are pretty," She says, not so sure _why _she's trying to start a conversation in the middle of a _cemetery _of all places, but for one, this stranger is extremely attractive, and for another, he said _hi _back to her. He looks down at the yellow daisies he's holding and nods.

"They were her favorite," He says, nodding down at the headstone in front of him. "I know, incredibly cliche, bring someone's favorite flowers and all, but...well." He turns a little red, but she reasons it could just be the temperature, not embarassment.

"I think it's sweet," She says softly. "I do it too." She nods down as well, to the red tulips laying against the headstone she's in front of. "So don't worry."

And that is the first time she meets the attractive blonde stranger in the cemetery.

/ /

Ally never liked cemteries; they were usually a steroptypical cold, wet, damp. Death ran through the chills in the air and she always felt the need to pull her coat as tight as possible around her tiny frame, as if that could ward off the sadness around her.

She learns that his name is Austin and he visits his mother. She learns that he is twenty, almost twenty-one. He likes pancakes, but other than that she knows nothing.

"I miss her," He tells her, setting down the yellow daisies.

"What was she like?" She asks softly, really wanting to know. Her name is Michelle, she learns, Mimi for short. It's written on her headstone, after all.

"Loud. Blonde. Funny. Overprotective. She made the best cookies in the world."

"Sounds nice," She says wistfully, and he heaves a sigh.

"She was." Austin doesn't look up at her very often, she notices, but when he does his eyes are sparkly and deep and meaningful and she wants to keep staring; as if maybe if she looks long enough she'll find a secret, his secret, and promise to keep it.

/ /

This goes on for weeks, the two of them meeting in the cemetery, not speaking too much, but still saying something, anything, everything. Yet nothing at all. They talk about his job (actually, he has two.) One at a record company, where he's mostly just an assistant. (But sometimes they let him play around in the sound booth.) He never tells her his other job, but she knows it takes up his time. They talk about her job, right now just as a secretary at a preschool, but she's hoping to start as assistant teacher in a few weeks. They talk about coffee and hot chocolate, their train riding preferences, and if they prefer backless slippers or not. They talk and banter a little bit, and chatter and mumble, but there's never really a _substance _to their conversations; then again, there's never _none _either.

"Who was he?" Austin asks, nodding to the headstone she's beside.

"Oh," She breathes out in surprise. "My boyfriend." She looks quickly to see how Austin will react, but it's no different than his regular expression; he just looks a little cold. "Dallas."

"Nice name," He remarks, and she can't tell what his angle is.

"City in Texas," She responds. "Like you."

He smiles but otherwise she gets no response.

"I miss him," She states obviously. "But I suppose it's different for you. Your mom and all." She mentally slaps herself for being so stupid, but she illicits a responds out of the blonde, an almost-chuckle blowing into the wind.

"I suppose," He adds, and she knows, can see, he isn't really mocking her.

"It's cold out," She remarks, pulling her coat tighter. "Would you like to come back to my place? It's just over there," She points across the road to a small neighborhood, or in the general direction. "Just to be warm. You look chilled through!"

He looks surprised, and she supposes it's not the most conventional place he's been invited to come home.

"I'm not a serial killer or anything," She laughs. "I hoped you'd know that by now."

"That's what a serial killer would say," He chuckles, checking his watch.

"You have somewhere to be?" She asks, trying not to let her disappointment through. "Someone at home?"

"Something like that," He mumbles, but straightens up, hitting her with those eyes again. "But I have time for a coffee or two."

/ /

"Sorry for the mess," She apologizes. "I didn't think I'd have company."

"Do you make it a habit to pick up men in cemeteries?" Austin asks her, but he laughs and she just shakes her head, getting out two coffee mugs.

"Only on Tuesdays," She plays along, pausing in her coffee preparations. "Are you coffee or are you more of a hot chocolate man?"

"Hot chocolate," He laughs delightedly. "Sounds _great." _

And so they have hot chocolate with whipped cream and a layer of marshmallows served in old Disneyland mugs that she forgot she even had.

"It's quiet here," He muses thoughtfully, and she tries not to laugh at the whipped cream mustache he has. "I like it."

"I used to have a cat, but Matilda didn't particularly like me, and now she lives with a friend of mine whose daughter had some issues. I thought the cat might help. Not like she misses me anyway," Ally comments quietly, thinking of her tabby. "She was cute, though."

"Mm. I like it here. Quiet," Austin murmurs again, settling into the couch pillows. "I don't have much quiet."

"Loud roommates?" She asks sympathetically. "Partiers?"

"Er...something like that," He says, sitting up quickly and checking his watch. "Shit, I'm going to be late if..." She waves at him, grabbing the mug and throwing him his coat.

"Go do whatever it is you do. Fly around the world and be Superman and save children or something," She says, waving him out the door, and he laughs, turning red.

She can't help but notice how lonely she is after he's gone.

/ /

They become friends, and before long they don't need to meet up in the cold before hanging out; it's just a gradual, honest friendship.

Except Ally thinks she might be in love but that has no importance; this is something she could get used to. She's not in the habit of picking up men from cemetaries but she's glad she took this one home.

Austin's a mix of sweet and shy, calm and collected, rambunctious and wild, intellectual but not _boring. _He's just Austin, and that is just fine with Ally.

It's a Wednesday when she learns he can sing, and sing _well. _He stands in her kitchen, making two bowls of cereals for the pair (because they both enjoyed breakfast for dinner. Or lunch. Or midnight snack. Or breakfast. It was casual.)

_"I'm the colorless sunrise that's never good enough.I'm the wind that's in your hair that ruffles you up,_" He sings quietly, heartfelt and honest, like he forgot she was even there at all.

"You're quite good," She comments softly, sneaking up behind him to grab the bowl of cheerios. "Really."

He turns bright red and refuses to discuss the subject further, but she knows he's secretly pleased anyway.

/ /

"What're your New Years plans?" She asks him, walking around town as they sip their coffee from an all-too hipster coffee shop. "Anything exciting?"

"Mm, no," He chuckles. "Staying in this year."

"Perfectly respectable," She admits, then pauses. "Same here, actually. It's the first...never mind." She was _going _to say it was the first New Years she'd be spending without Dallas, but she stopped. It was okay, though, because he knew what she meant anyway.

"Same here," He mumbles. "First and all."

So that is how Ally is invited over to Austin's place for New Years.

/ /

She adjusted the plate of cookies in her hands, ones she knew for a fact Austin enjoyed. She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet for a good minute before working up the courage to knock on the door at all.

She expected the house to smell like good food, as promised. She didn't expect it to be answered by a two-year old who looked exactly like Austin.

/ /

Her name was Abigail, she called Austin _Daddy, _and she was wearing a pink tutu.

Shocked, Ally's mouth gaped open, but she tried to pull herself together before Austin walked over, clad in an apron stating _The Food Might Burn if You Keep Staring. _Well then.

"Abby," He scolded, picking her up off the ground. "What did I _tell _you? We don't answer the door without me!"

And it was so domestic and normal and natural, and Ally was scared and confused and had the urge to leave, but for some reason she couldn't even move her feet.

"Um," She croaked. "Hi."

"Hey Ally," Austin sighed. "Sorry about all this. I wanted to ease you in, but _this _one refuses to do what she's told." He frowned, disapproving, loving, at the blonde with the curls in his arms, and Ally's heart _did not melt. _

"No it's okay," She managed to choke out. "Um. Any other surprises?"

"No, but the food might be s-h-i-t," He warned, spelling it out and covering Abigail's little ears as she giggled.

"It's okay, I brought cookies anyway," Ally smiled gently, nodding to the platter in her hands. "The ones you like."

"Great!" Austin smiled back, then shook his head, as if remembering his manners. "Come on in, but beware of toys on the floor. I cleaned up, but you never know with this one."

Ally smiled at Abby, resting on Austin's hip, and sure enough, a Barbie doll was right in the entryway.

"Ally, will you play Barbies with me?" Abby asked, voice small and cute, and Ally literally _could not say no. _

"Sure!" She said, after locking eyes with Austin. "I used to have so many Barbies! I still have a bunch at my mom's house!"

"Really?" Abby gasped, eyes wide. "How many?"

"A tub this big!" Ally gasped back, spreading her arms to the appropriate width. "I used to play with them all the time!"

"You can be this one," Abby informed her, switching gears, handing Ally a brunette Barbie who lacked a shirt. "You can dress her. This one is Daddy's, but he's cooking, so we have to wait."

So Ally spent the better part of an hour on the floor, making silly Barbie voices and storylines. And she may have enjoyed herself a lot. Or it may have had something to do with the glass of wine Austin slipped her, but either way.

/ /

Abby passed out around 8:45, waiting for the ball to drop but not quite making it.

"Maybe next year," Ally laughed, looking down at the little girl who had curled up next to her. "She's quite tuckered out, I think."

"She runs around with _so much energy!" _Austin laughed back, though it was a bit tired, Ally noticed. "I'd fall asleep too!"

"She's adorable," Ally said sincerely. "Like really, really adorable."

"Thanks," Austin said softly, and _oh _this was new territory for them. For a minute Ally wanted to run because none of this was stable, this was rocky ground and anything could happen, but Abby was a dead weight on her lap and Austin's eyes still hadn't told her their entire secret yet, so she stayed.

"Her mom ran off," He said suddenly. "Barely knew her. I was a bit wild, in college, you know. And then Abby happened, and the girl literally dumped me with her and ran off faster than the speed of light."

And again, Ally wants to run, but she wants to know the secrets that sparkle in those eyes so badly. So she stays.

"I don't mind, I mean she's great to have around, don't get me wrong. But," He shrugs, and Ally knows what he means.

"Yeah. A bit of work, I guess. Because you're young and all," She says softly, gently removing Abigail's tiara so it doesn't poke her scalp too badly. "But in all honesty, you seem to have done a great job. I mean it."

"I thought you'd run off," Austin admits, and _oh _he really does know more about her than he lets on. "But you didn't. So. Thanks for that."

"You're welcome," She laughs. "I only stayed for the Barbies, though."

"What about the toy cell phone she kept handing you?" Austin chuckles. "You must have answered that like a hundred times."

"Hey, I don't care what you say, when a little kid hands you a phone and says it's for you, you answer that s-h-i-t." Ally huffed, remembering to spell out the last word.

"She's asleep, we can talk like adults now," Austin laughed, standing up. "Here, I'll tuck her in, and then maybe we can watch a movie until the ball drops."

Ally stood up, too, offering to carry Abigail. And _oh _Austin looked apprehensive, but he said yes, and _no that did not give her buterflies in her stomach what are you saying. _

/ /

So that was how Austin and Ally ended up watching _Thor _on New Year's Eve, making fun of how cheesy (yet very very very good) the movie was overall.

"I'm telling you, Austin," Ally giggled softly, aware of the sleeping baby in the next room of the apartment. "Grow your hair out, you could be Thor."

"Hell no," He said flatly, taking away her only half-empty wine glass. "Enough alcohol for you."

"Hey I'm not drunk," She argued, and that was true, she'd only had the one glass. "I'm serious!"

"I know," He muttered lowly. "That's what worries me."

/ /

So that is how New Year's Eve comes about with Austin managing to not burn anything and Ally only half-drunk and that is how they end up kissing, because _it's good luck to kiss someone on New Years, didn't you know?_

And that is also how Ally ends up spending the night in Austin's apartment. In his arms. And freaks out when she wakes up.

/ /

She made her excuses, sorry to leave, but claiming she got an emergency call or some crap she can't remember. What she does remember, though, is the look on both blonde's faces as she left.

/ /

"Ally, why would you _leave?" _Dez shrieked over the phone, and Ally sighed.

"I freaked," She admitted, holding her sweater sleeves to cover her hands. There. Nothing could hurt her now.

"Ally, you really have to stop living in fear," Dez said gently. "I want you to be happy."

"I am happy," She protested weakly. "I have an apartment I like in a city I like with a job I like-"

"Knock it off, Ally, I can tell when you're feeding me crap," Dez said, audibly annoyed. "Look. You really need to get it in your head that commitment isn't always a bad thing. I know you think it is, and I'm really sorry you've been hurt before, honey, but at some point you have to stop and think. Are you running away because you're _actually _scared or because it's habit?"

"But," She swallowed thickly. "The anxiety and stuff."

"I know," He said gently. "I'm really sorry that you get bad anxiety, but I'm also one hundred percent sure that you're going to be fine."

"I like him," She mumbles, fiddling with her sweater once more. "Like a lot."

"Then why did you run off?" Dez asks sympathetically, and Ally sighs.

"You know," She groaned. "My parents. And. And I just."

"Do you believe love exists?" Dez asks her suddenly, and Ally nearly cries.

"_Yes," _She sobs out. "I _do." _

"Then why are you so afraid, hm?" Dez hums into the phone, and Ally nearly hangs up on the spot. "Ally, listen to me. I know you were hurt as a kid when your mom left. And I know it hurt when Elliot cheated on you, but just because you're scared of bad things happening doesn't mean they're _going _to happen. This guy sounds great for you, and I know you're really scared, but I think you need to go after this okay?"

"It's just...hard."

"Are you still thinking about Dallas?" Dez sighed, and Ally knew her childhood best friend was really trying here. "Alls, it's been about a year, babe."

"I just..." She sniffled, knowing he'd understand; they've had this conversation a million times before. "I'm sorry, I'm taking up all your time."

"You couldn't have prevented his death, love. You didn't know he was going to end his life, you couldn't have predicted that at all. Nobody did."

"I just wish I'd been enough for him to stay," She whispered, and Dez sighed heavily, the air in the speakers between them holding a palpable tension. "That I was woth it, that I was worth something."

"You are enough, you are something, you're worth so much more than you think you are."

"I am?" She sniffled, and Dez swore his heart broke into two.

"Allison Dawson, you _are _worth something. And it sounds like this Austin guy really knows that. But maybe you should tell him why you're so afraid, and why you ran off. Because you're never going to be happy until you let it all out there, and I really need you to be happy. I can't stand to see you so scared all the time, Ally."

"I'll try," She sniffled. "Thanks Dez."

"Anytime, Ally. I love you," He said, concern evident in his voice.

"Love you too."

/ /

She knocks on his door, and once again, Abigail answers.

"_Abigail Jessica Moon _what have I told you about answering the door without me?" Austin demanded, running into the front hallway. "I'm really sorry, she's still learn- oh." He stopped mid-sentence, realizing it was Ally, and clutched Abigail to him protectively. Whether it was to protect his daughter or himself, Ally wasn't sure.

"Austin," She breathed, clearing her throat. "Hi."

"Hi," He said appraisingly, raising an eyebrow, and setting Abby back on the floor. "Go play with your dolls, baby, Daddy needs to talk to Ally."

"Have fun!" Abby chirped, waving up to Ally. "Hi Ally! I miss you! Daddy misses you too, when I ask him when you can come and play Barbies with us again!"

"That's enough out of you, young lady," Austin huffed, giving her a small push towards her bedroom. "I'll come get you in a little bit."

As soon as Abigail left the room, the half-smile on Austin's face left.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, quiet and unsure.

Ally didn't see his eyes sparkling with secrets anymore.

"I need to tell you why I left," She whispered, fiddling with her hands nervously. "I'm not some kind of commitment-phobic headcase. Or maybe I am. I don't know. It's just, all my life, I have never felt like I was worth something or even that love existed. My mom, she left when I was young, and seeing what that did to my dad, that killed me. And I grew up, afraid the same thing would happen to me. So when I was young, I didn't date, like anyone. And then when I was...16? 16, I dated this boy named Elliot, and I thought he was _perfect. _He was the one who talked me out of being sad all the time and refusing to fall in love, saying the right person wouldn't hurt me like my mom hurt my dad. That was all bullshit, he was cheating on me the whole time. And then when I was 18, Dallas came along. I talked him out of suicide when I met him, you know that? But he died, and I wasn't around to stop him the second time. And because of that, I blamed myself for a year, wondering why I wasn't enough for him to stay. Was I not worth it for my mom to stay or for anyone to stay faithful to or for anyone to stay on this world for?" She choked back a sob, not wanting to break down on Austin's front doorstep.

"And then I met you and you made me happy again, you with your refusal to give away too much. You with your perfect little daughter and your wonderful sense of humor and your perfect eyes that are full of secrets and I just got so scared that you wouldn't want me either, and I'm sorry, I'll go, you don't need a mess like me in your life-" She turned to leave, nearly running off of his doorstep.

"Ally, wait!" He called, and she froze.

He ran up to her, touching her gently on the shoulder to spin her around. "When I first met you I was confused, because what kind of girl makes friends in cemetaries? And then we became friends and you were just this breath of fresh air, you know? First person who wasn't family that I ever had over to visit Abby, you know that? So obviously you were something special. And I knew there was something different about you, because you were altogether so loud yet so quiet in everything you did, you and that little cat Matilda that you gave away. And I could tell you'd been hurt before, I just...didn't think you'd ever think of me as someone who would hurt you. I mean, I've got a kid, Alls, that in and of itself is a huge commitment, you know?"

"I," Ally gaped for words, not sure what to say at all. "I don't..."

"I get to talk, too," Austin hummed thoughtfully. "I thought that having Abigail, her mom would stick around, for her _child. _And when she didn't, when she left, I was hurt, so badly. Thought I wouldn't recover from that at all. But then I thought that maybe I needed to start living, for Abby you know. But it still hurts, and yeah, meeting you, that was kinda crazy for me, too. So. Like I know where you're coming from, because I'm kind of a mess. And you seem to think you're a mess, too, so maybe messed up people find each other or something, I don't know..."

"Can we maybe start over?" Austin laughs, toying with her hair. "Please?"

"Do we have to go back to the cemetary?" Ally giggles, and Austin shakes his head. "Thank God. Hi, I'm Austin Moon, would you like to come inside and meet my daughter Abby?"

"Hi, I'm Allison Dawson, and I would like that a lot," She smiled, grabbing his hand. "Does she like Babies by any chance?"

"If you're lucky, she'll let you be the brunette."

/ /

She knew the second she saw the yellow daisies in his hand that it would work out. Yellow daisies were her favorite, too.

/ /

Ally didn't cry the first time Abby called her _Mommy. _Except she did. And so did Austin. But you know, it could have been allergies, so.

/ /

"You know something?" Austin had asked her softly, well into their sixth month, as they lay on the couch watching Abigail. "I think maybe all the bad stuff happened to us because we were _supposed _to find each other."

"Yeah?" She asked, rolling over to face him as Abby made sound effects with her doll's car.

"Yeah, maybe...maybe we're meant to find someone who sees us for everything we are, all our scars and lines and the spots that hurt us, and see right into our soul, the whole entire messed up map of us, but love us anyway."

And that, to Ally, made more sense than anything she'd heard before. Because she saw Austin for all that he was, saw the secrets in his eyes and the sunshine in his smile. And because Austin saw the scars that plagued her and the hurt in her heart, but when he was around, she didn't hurt at all.

Because maybe Austin was right. Maybe all we needed was not someone to love us, but someone who saw us for everything we are, all the scars and lines and things that hurt us, someone who saw right into our souls, the whole entire messed up map of us, and loved us anyway.


End file.
